SolandMonica.com

I didn’t realize how surprised I would be to hear Kai say his first “bad” word.  Even though all he said was “shutup”, it felt so wrong.  Actually, he didn’t even say it in anger.  He was explaining to me that he got in trouble at school (daycare) for saying it.  I think he had a bit of a guilty conscience.  He told me that one of his friends at school says that to him.

He’s growing up so fast.  In some ways I wish I could just stay home and teach him myself; shelter him from the world.  In other ways I’m really proud of him for how articulate he is at 3 years old.  One thing is for sure, this is the beginning of a lot more surprises and challenges.  God help us…  😉

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I got an interesting surprise from the post office the other day.  Apparently, an envelope we sent was destroyed in the mail.  This particular envelope had a check in it which was still intact, and included our address. The post office scanned it and sent us a letter explaining that the envelope was destroyed, but that they were sending us a copy of the contents. 

To my surprise, the check was written and sent by Monica back in February.  It was a check for a 2 year magazine subscription to Wondertime magazine, a parenting magazine.

It was another little insight into Monica’s will to live and fight.  Even as late as February, she was planning on being around for a long time. 

I admire her so much.

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Today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t have something specific planned or something unfinished that couldn’t wait.  I left Kai’s sippy cups unwashed.  They can wait ’til the morning.  I’m even writing this post at a decent hour.  It was nice, in a way, to have a free moment.  As things start to slow down and life starts to seek its equilibrium, I wonder what’s next. 

Most of my life has been blessed to a point where I never really felt penetrating, genuine sadness.  Sure I had a few low moments in life, but never anything that didn’t pass quickly.  Obviously, this is different.  Since Monica passed, I have been experiencing that deep sadness.  Somehow I’ve been able to manage it though.  I’ve been able to justify that, since anyone would be sad in this situation, it’s ok to allow those emotions in.  It would be more troublesome if I didn’t allow myself to feel those emotions.  It isn’t always comfortable or “fun”, but I’ve decided it’s healthier to feel the sadness than to repress it.  That cerebral justification has allowed me to cope with the depth of the emotion.

Recently, though, I realized the recipe has changed.  A new ingredient has been added and it changes the flavor of the entire mix.  Recently I’ve felt loneliness.  I’ve experienced loneliness before in life, but it was never mixed with sadness; certainly not deep, genuine sadness.  It’s a potent mix. 

How are you supposed to not feel lonely when you still feel lonely around other people?

The rest of this week I’ve got a lot of plans, so I’ll be keeping myself busy.  That seems to help in the short term.  Beyond that I have to decide whether I want to continue slowing down, or keep my schedule packed tight.

Since I know everyone is wondering how Kai is doing, I would say he is doing better.  His temperament is evening out a bit.  He still talks about Mommy a lot and he says he misses her, but he doesn’t seem to be as emotional when he talks about her.  He has been asking me lately if I will go to the clouds with him so we can see Mommy in heaven.  It makes me smile and cry at the same time.

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Kai did something yesterday that caught me off guard that I haven’t been able to get out of my head.  It was absolutely precious. 

We have  many pictures of Monica up all over the house, but they’ve been there all along so he usually doesn’t pay any extra special attention to them.  Well, though yesterday was an ordinary day, he suddenly stopped whatever he was doing at the time and walked over to a picture of Monica in her wedding dress.  He stood there for a moment and I got nervous that he was in the midst of an emotional struggle.  All of a sudden he said, “Mommy is a princess.”  I fully agreed and he moved on to whatever he was doing before.

I couldn’t have said it better myself…

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Kai is back from his mini-vacation, Monica’s birthday was Friday (July 3rd) and our 8 year anniversary is tomorrow (July 7th).   Quite an eventful several days.  Many people have sent their support and prayers for me and Kai as we face these important “firsts”; her first birthday since passing, and our first anniversary.  I really appreciate it.  I think it must really help because, in anticipation for these days, I end up getting through them fairly well.  I had my “moments” on Monica’s birthday, and I think our anniversary might be a bit harder, but for the most part I’ve been getting through it ok.  Actually, last week on Monday was an ordinary Monday –  nothing special with no significance, but it was the hardest day I’ve had so far.  I think it was a matter of me letting my guard down a bit. 

It’s been almost two months, and I think the haze is starting to lift a little.  Instead of constantly being numb or guarded, I’m starting to allow myself to experience and even enjoy life again; both the ups and the downs.  It seems my highs are higher and my lows are lower now than they have been in the last 2 months.  Overall, I think that is progress.  It can make it harder sometimes, but it’s a better place to be.

For what it’s worth, the one thing that has really helped me get through this time is that I celebrate the fact that we had the most amazing 8 years of marriage that I could ever have hoped for.  We lived several life times in that short period.  It took me 3 days to go through and choose the pictures for her memorial video, and during that time I got to relive all the good times and memories we had.  I’m greatful for that time and those memories.  In some ways, I feel like I’m one of the most blessed guys in the world because I had something that many other guys only dream of: a wonderful, smooth, happy, stable, fun, and blessed marriage.  What more could I ask for in life?

By the way, here are some pictures of Kai and his first fish.  He is so cute! 

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They get so big so fast!  Grandpa Spence (Monica’s dad) took Kai fishing this week and he caught his first fish.  I can hardly believe it.  I hope they took lots of pictures.  Kai was so excited about fishing with a “real” pole.  I wish I could have seen his face when he caught it.

We’ll be up in Paradise for the 4th of July this weekend.  Actually, we’re going for Monica’s birthday.  It is this Friday, the 3rd of July.  Her parents got tickets to the local minor league baseball game and they will have fireworks.  I’m sure Kai will be excited to see the fireworks.  One of the cutest stories Monica ever told me was that when she was really little, she used to think that she was special because on her birthday they always had fireworks.  She didn’t know anyone else who’s birthday had fireworks.  🙂

I think she deserved fireworks.

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