It’s Been Two Years Since We Found Out

Written by Sol

I’m currently still living the vagabond experience and writing this from Chicago so I haven’t made a lot of extra time to write new posts, but I have a ton of pictures and good stories so I’ll make some updates next week when I’m back in Whittier.

This weekend I wanted to take a moment and reflect a little though.  October 2 was the two year mark of Monica’s original diagnosis of breast cancer.  I remember it like yesterday.  She was so brave from that very first day.  I think I was so scared that I was in denial.  I didn’t want to make too big a deal out of it because I didn’t want to scare her any more while she was being brave.  Besides we figured breast cancer was beatable; especially at her age.  We never thought for a moment that the news could get worse than it already was.  Unfortunately, her diagnosis was wrong.  Five months later, we found out after her bilateral mastectomy that what she really had was angiosarcoma.

Well, it’s been two years since my heart first fell into the pit of my stomach.  It seems to live there now.  Days like Oct 2 are sad days.  I don’t mean to finally get around to posting something and have it be negative, but that’s the reailty of it.  Hopefully, getting it off my chest like this will help in the healing process.

I’ll update about how Kai is doing and some of my adventures next week.  🙂

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Latest News: Going Gray and Going on Vacation

Written by Sol

This weekend is the first weekend for my month long, jet-setting, cross country mini vacations using the Jetblue “all-you-can-jet” pass.  In fact, I’m in New York as I write this.  I’ll be sure to provide updates about each trip, but in the meantime I’m still digesting the culture shock of being in New york.  😉

On another note, over the last week and a half I’ve sprouted a whole new crop of gray hair!  I don’t know if there’s any siginificance to that except that I’m getting older, but that may have been more of a shock than the culture shock of New York!  🙂

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Quick Update on Me and Kai

Written by Sol

I’m not sure what it was the other day, but I guess I just woke up with the blues.  I’ve been feeling much better since yesterday.  Thank you to those of you who sent words of encouragement and prayer. 

I thought Kai had been doing much better lately as I’ve noted before, but the last two days has been a struggle for him.  He keeps saying that he thinks I am going to die, and he’s been pretty upset.  Poor kid… He had been doing so well, that I forgot that he’s also still working through the grief and the emotions and fears that come from it.  Please keep him in your prayers as well.

I wish everyone a fun filled, safe holiday weekend.

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Written by Sol

Not sure why exactly (I think it’s a mix of a things), but I have a lump in my throat and an empty/sick feeling to my stomach today…

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Good Stuff in the Pipeline

Written by Sol

Even though life has been a bit difficult lately, I’m happy to say that there are some exciting things on the horizon that I’m really looking forward to. 

This weekend I’m going deep sea fishing with a few of my good buddies.  I’ve recently discovered that I really enjoy fishing, especially deep sea fishing.  It’s going to be a great guy’s getaway.  I can’t wait ’til Kai gets a bit older and I can take him too!

The next bit of news (and probably the news I’m most excited about) is that I will be sending my band’s third full length CD to press this week.  Even though the band hasn’t “officially” been together for years, we’ve been getting together here and there to be creative and have fun.  We ended up recording a full length CD in the process!  I think it is by far the best stuff we’ve ever done.  We spent all our creative energy on the songwriting and recording instead of preparing for live shows, so the final product has an increased level of maturity and professionalism over previous projects.  I don’t know what we’ll do with the CDs yet since the band isn’t performing live, but I’m excited about it anyways; even if they all sit in my garage for the next couple years. 😉  I’ll post some links to some samples of the music soon. 

Actually, the last song on Monica’s Memorial Slide Show is a song from the new CD.  In fact, the first day we started recording (almost 2 yars ago) was the day we got back her biopsy results.  We were all pretty upset, but she insisted that we continue recording.  The whole time she was sick she encouraged me to continue recording.  I always appreciated how supportive she was of my music.  She gave up a lot of time to allow me to write and record music while she took care of Kai and dealt with the chemo fatigue.  I consider the CD as a gift from her that she would not let me refuse.  I know she would be proud of it.

The last bit of news is that I bought an “All-You-Can-Jet” pass from Jet Blue for the month of September.  Jet Blue is currently having a promotion that for one price, you can fly as much as you want from Sept 8 – Oct 8.  Get ready, ’cause I’m planning on taking many of you up on offers to come visit you in your town!  I don’t have any definitive plans yet but I know I will be needing a lot of babysitters, so if anyone is available, let me know. 

Thanks for all the prayers of support and encouragement.  Last week’s low has been replaced with a bit of optimism for the near future, and I know that it has everything to do with your prayers.

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3 Months

Written by Sol

Yesterday was three months.  I didn’t plan on writing anything because I shy away from “bumming people out” with a sad post.  A lot of my posts recently have been cute little episodes and exchanges between Kai and I.  However, many people the last two days have been asking how I’m really doing, so I guess I should come clean.

It’s getting harder.  Things have slowed down, the fog has lifted, and the loneliness factor is unavoidable.  For the first time in my life I can say that I am genuinely sad; even depressed.  I don’t have any clear remedy.  Work has been extremely stressful and Kai is 3 years old; enough said there.

Pray for a light at the end of the tunnel…

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The Wisdom of Kai

Written by Sol

So Kai and I were playing with his new jet the other day.  It’s a really cool looking “hot wheels” size fighter jet that he saw at the store and got really excited about.  Of course I had to give in and get it for him.  When we got home, he took the jet and a couple of his favorite trains and started playing with them all in the living room.  He was making all kinds of sound effects and having a grand time.

I decided to ask him which was his favorite: the jet or the Thomas train.  He thought about it for a second and looked up and said, “How ’bout both, Dad?”

…yeah, how about both! 

He’s teaching me new things about life every day.

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Kai Said His First “Bad” Word

Written by Sol

I didn’t realize how surprised I would be to hear Kai say his first “bad” word.  Even though all he said was “shutup”, it felt so wrong.  Actually, he didn’t even say it in anger.  He was explaining to me that he got in trouble at school (daycare) for saying it.  I think he had a bit of a guilty conscience.  He told me that one of his friends at school says that to him.

He’s growing up so fast.  In some ways I wish I could just stay home and teach him myself; shelter him from the world.  In other ways I’m really proud of him for how articulate he is at 3 years old.  One thing is for sure, this is the beginning of a lot more surprises and challenges.  God help us…  😉

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Post Office Surprise

Written by Sol

I got an interesting surprise from the post office the other day.  Apparently, an envelope we sent was destroyed in the mail.  This particular envelope had a check in it which was still intact, and included our address. The post office scanned it and sent us a letter explaining that the envelope was destroyed, but that they were sending us a copy of the contents. 

To my surprise, the check was written and sent by Monica back in February.  It was a check for a 2 year magazine subscription to Wondertime magazine, a parenting magazine.

It was another little insight into Monica’s will to live and fight.  Even as late as February, she was planning on being around for a long time. 

I admire her so much.

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Slowing Down

Written by Sol

Today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t have something specific planned or something unfinished that couldn’t wait.  I left Kai’s sippy cups unwashed.  They can wait ’til the morning.  I’m even writing this post at a decent hour.  It was nice, in a way, to have a free moment.  As things start to slow down and life starts to seek its equilibrium, I wonder what’s next. 

Most of my life has been blessed to a point where I never really felt penetrating, genuine sadness.  Sure I had a few low moments in life, but never anything that didn’t pass quickly.  Obviously, this is different.  Since Monica passed, I have been experiencing that deep sadness.  Somehow I’ve been able to manage it though.  I’ve been able to justify that, since anyone would be sad in this situation, it’s ok to allow those emotions in.  It would be more troublesome if I didn’t allow myself to feel those emotions.  It isn’t always comfortable or “fun”, but I’ve decided it’s healthier to feel the sadness than to repress it.  That cerebral justification has allowed me to cope with the depth of the emotion.

Recently, though, I realized the recipe has changed.  A new ingredient has been added and it changes the flavor of the entire mix.  Recently I’ve felt loneliness.  I’ve experienced loneliness before in life, but it was never mixed with sadness; certainly not deep, genuine sadness.  It’s a potent mix. 

How are you supposed to not feel lonely when you still feel lonely around other people?

The rest of this week I’ve got a lot of plans, so I’ll be keeping myself busy.  That seems to help in the short term.  Beyond that I have to decide whether I want to continue slowing down, or keep my schedule packed tight.

Since I know everyone is wondering how Kai is doing, I would say he is doing better.  His temperament is evening out a bit.  He still talks about Mommy a lot and he says he misses her, but he doesn’t seem to be as emotional when he talks about her.  He has been asking me lately if I will go to the clouds with him so we can see Mommy in heaven.  It makes me smile and cry at the same time.

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