Today was the first day that things started slowing down. There is so much to say, I don’t even know where to start…
I had to go back to work full time on Monday this week. I actually had to go in last week a few times, even while preparing for Monica’s memorial service and trying to be a host. One of my bosses passed away last Wednesday; just two days after Monica. I work for a small business headed by a husband and wife team. Besides Monica, the person that I spent the most time with was my boss. We worked closely together over the last five years. I looked up to him and had a great respect for him. He was a role model and a good friend. However, since we worked together on the technical processes of the business, I needed to go back in right away to keep the “gears” going. Everyone in the office has had to be strong and focus. They are an amazing team.
Even though it’s hard to focus sometimes, keeping busy has its advantages; especially at home. That’s why today was a different. Monica’s parents went home today. Everyone else is gone now too. It was a “whirlwind” and grand central station for a while around here, but it kept me busy and not alone. Today I felt the loneliness, though. My mom is still here helping with Kai and I am grateful for that. Still, the quieter it gets around here, the louder my thoughts are.
Kai has been having a rough time. His teachers said he was crying for his “dadoo” and “mommy” today. He has asked for her or talked about her every day so far. A few times he was doing well, and I slipped and called my mom “mom”. He got very upset each time and said, “No! Mama’s dead. That’s nana.” The other day he was asking for her and I told him again that she was in heaven. He got very upset with me and said, “No! you go to heaven.” It is going to take some time…
I read something that made so much sense about the way grief feels. C.S. Lewis says, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.
…There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says… I dread the moments when the house is empty.”
I couldn’t have said it any better, except that I am afriad. Lewis was older and established when his wife passed. I worry about raising Kai and where life’s going to lead. I’ve never known this much uncertainty that was so immediately present in the forefront of my mind.
In the meantime, I’ve decided to try to keep things as consistent as possible. I’m trying not to make too many big decisions any time soon. I’ll stay here in Whittier and try to stay close to all our friends and support. Kai is doing really well at his day care and actually enjoys going to “school” everyday. I don’t know that we’ll be able to stay in our apartment since we were a two income family, but I don’t want to think about trying to move right now.
Finally, for those that have been asking, Monica’s parents will have another memorial service for her up north in Paradise, CA. We always liked being able to say we were married in “Paradise”. I will be there too. It will be at the Paradise Alliance church on Saturday, May 30 at 2pm. I will post an address and more information later. I know there are many of you up there that have prayed for Monica and loved us for a long time. I look forward to being there with you.
Good night.
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