January 9th 2008 11:41 pm
Feeling Better
Sorry it’s taken me a while to update you all on how I’m feeling. I wanted Sol’s band to have some air time and get tons of votes. So if you haven’t voted yet, do it now! 🙂
I’m physically feeling a lot better. This last chemo really had me down for about a week. My symptoms kept me close to the restroom. Oralia, Sol’s mom, was here for about 6 days and took Kai on many long walks and got up with him many times in the middle of the night. I know Sol and I both really appreciated having her here. School resumed on Monday, so it’s back to the grind. It has actually been a great few days at work. Praise!
So physically I’m doing fine, but emotionally it is really hitting me. I spent most of Friday in tears. I have spent the last three months just doing what needed to be done, but never really took the time to think about what was happening. It finally hit me that I have cancer. I started thinking about everything that I’ve been through and continued grieving the loss of my baby. I am having a really difficult time letting go and not feeling guilty. I know that it was the right decision for saving my life and being here for the family I have, but it is so hard. The road ahead scares me as well. Two more chemos, surgery, radiation, reconstructive surgery…it all freaks me out a bit. My mind is on overload and the road ahead is long.
Please pray for my mind and heart. I don’t know how I’m going to walk into that doctor’s office on Monday. It’s going to take strength beyond what I have right now. My schedule for next week is Monday – doctor’s appointment at 4:00, Wednesday – bloodwork, Thursday – Chemo at 8:45, and Friday – Neulasta shot at 2:00. It makes me ill just thinking about next week.
Thanks for your prayers and support and for just listening to my ramblings. It means a lot having all of you out there – just a click away.
God Bless you all – Monica
5 Comments »
5 Responses to “Feeling Better”
melissa on 10 Jan 2008 at 9:46 am #
Monica,
You have proved your strength already! Begining to process everything and dealing with the emotions behind it all is often times far more taxing than the physical side of it all. There is no shame in tears and I know that many of us have shed tears for you as well! I check your blog almost daily as well as seek updates from Maryann Mayfield each week or so when I see her. There are MANY from The Well who think about you and your family and lift you all up in prayer each day! Consider it pure joy when you face trails of many kinds! There is joy at the end of the tears, be encouraged!
-Melissa Valentine
craigshoemaker on 10 Jan 2008 at 10:12 am #
Monica:
Sol may play his guitar every once in a while, but you are the true Rock Star!
You two have had more thrown at you than should be allowed at one time – all the while you you have handled it with grace and true strength. You won’t always feel strong – but it takes a lot to come on this site and discuss such personal things.
I know you don’t need me to tell you this, but it’s okay to grieve. I would share all the emotions you are describing if I were in your place. Just please know that all of what you are feeling simply shows that you are a loving mother.
We are all pulling and praying for you.
– Craig
CherylGregSimoneMarcus on 10 Jan 2008 at 1:25 pm #
Monica, you are way stronger than you realize. I know this is taking you to the very brink. It is to be expected unfortunately and everything is overwhelming. It is a long journey but you are not alone. MANY of us are with you, if not physically, we are with you in spirit. Just be honest with the doctor about how you are feeling. As for the baby, there is no quick fix…if I were in your shoes I would have done the same thing. A lot of things will trigger your grief… I still grieve and blame myself even though it was out of my hands… It is natural to grieve. But I think our babies are playing together in Heaven… or listening to music.
Love you…
rommel alfaro on 14 Jan 2008 at 11:12 am #
Hello Monica,
this passage always helps me.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
RenaeHerbTolbert on 15 Jan 2008 at 6:27 pm #
Hi Monica,
You are simply amazing. You are such an inspiration to me. I am in awe of your strength and courage. Please know that I pray for you many times a day. I have my church still praying for you and I have friends ALL OVER THE WORLD praying for you!!
We love you,
Renae and Herb too!
And, thanks for the special Christmas card with your picture!! It is now on my fridge reminding me to pray.