July 7th 2010 06:28 pm
July is another “difficult” time of the year. The 3rd is Monica’s birthday, and today is our anniversary. It would have been 9 years today.
I thought it would be nice to start a tradition of spending the 4th of July with Monica’s family from now on and also celebrate her birthday, so last weekend I went up to Paradise, CA which is up north by Chico. We’ll see how that develops (’cause traffic on the 4th of July weekend is worse than I expected and it’s already an incredibly long drive…).
I still think the idea was a good one, but the reality didn’t quite turn out how I thought it might. I ended up feeling really conflicted about taking Kai to the cemetery, since in his mind, Mommy is in heaven. Would it be too much for him to process? I decided to just tell him that it was a special place for us to remember Mommy.
…the problem was that I chickened out. I just couldn’t do it. Even now as I write this that huge lump in my throat grows to a point that it seems it might burst. I hope over time I can gather the courage to go there. In the mean time, I just felt like I had to confess…
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