March 26th 2010 09:51 am

Mommy’s “List”

After Monica passed, I looked for something she may have written during her struggle.  Maybe a note for Kai to give to him when he got older; maybe a note for me…  

One day I frantically searched for hours and even went through her purse to find this letter or note that didn’t exist.  I was crushed to not find anything, but I rationalized that it was due to her decisive outlook that she was going to keep fighting until she won the battle that she might have felt she didn’t need to “leave any thoughts or words” for us.

Last night I was organizing my closet in the new house and I came upon Monica’s purse.  It is mostly intact the way she left it, but I had gone through it already to get a few things like the check book.  For some reason, I decided to open a small side pocket and in it was nothing but a receipt.  Quintessential Monica; she always saved her receipts for a while “just in case”.  Normally I would have just tossed it, but for some reason I decided to open it to see what she bought.  Suddenly I realized there was writing on the back.  I didn’t recognize the writing as hers at first because it was a bit messy and hurried, but it was definitely hers.  She must have been in a hurry or standing up writing it or something…

The date on the receipt is 04/21/2009.  That is exactly 20 days before she passed.  I don’t know if she was starting to realize she was getting weaker or if she just had a moment of sadness, but what she wrote on the back of that receipt in a hurried (or upset) state was a list of events that she might miss in the future for Kai.  Here is the list in the order that she wrote it:

  • Potty training
  • Tying shoes
  • Kindergarten first day
  • Kinder graduation
  • Best friend
  • First crush
  • First time in trouble @ school
  • First girlfriend
  • Serious girlfriend
  • Wedding
  • Engagement
  • First kid
  • High school graduation
  • First big fight with Dadoo
  • License
  • First 100% on important test
  • First big win in sports/hobby
  • First defeat
  • First job interview
  • First apartment
  • College
  • Jesus in heart

Last night was the first really big emotional break down I’ve had in a while of trying to be strong.  This morning has been equally difficult.  It’s too bad the “note” she left behind is such a sad one…


5 Responses to “Mommy’s “List””

  1. horsegirl363636 on 27 Mar 2010 at 4:11 pm #

    What if you looked at it differently? Maybe she was writing it to keep her optimistic and fighting hard through it all. Giving herself some things to look forward to so she can keep on fighting hard? Just a thought, may you feel God’s never ending joy and peace.

    Melissa Lloyd

  2. CherylGregSimoneMarcus on 27 Mar 2010 at 8:55 pm #

    I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster you have been going through… It is different for you and Kai than the rest of us. But we can only cry along with you, and pray for you. Perhaps this serves as a reminder of how hard she wanted to fight, like Melissa said. Perhaps this is Monica’s way of reminding us just how deep the pain is for you and Kai. We do pray for you every night… we have never stopped and will continue to do so…

    Love you Bro
    Cheryl and Greg

  3. Tweets that mention » Mommy’s “List” -- on 28 Mar 2010 at 11:10 am #

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by solandmonica. solandmonica said: New blog post: Mommy's "List" […]

  4. sheribaker on 28 Mar 2010 at 5:28 pm #

    Sol, your posts make me so sad! I wish there was something we could do to make this easier. Please remember that Kai has a wonderful father who WILL be there for all of these events. Monica will always be with him in spirit and in memory, and you will be the reminder of her never ending love for him. I know these big events will be bittersweet, but I know that Monica is SO proud of both of you for persevering… and so are we.

  5. sabrinalively on 13 May 2010 at 1:25 pm #

    Wow, but to think that she shares the grief with you… so glad that you found that. May God give you safe people with whom you do not have to be strong with and who can be strong for you.

« | »