July 21st 2009 09:07 pm

Slowing Down

Today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t have something specific planned or something unfinished that couldn’t wait.  I left Kai’s sippy cups unwashed.  They can wait ’til the morning.  I’m even writing this post at a decent hour.  It was nice, in a way, to have a free moment.  As things start to slow down and life starts to seek its equilibrium, I wonder what’s next. 

Most of my life has been blessed to a point where I never really felt penetrating, genuine sadness.  Sure I had a few low moments in life, but never anything that didn’t pass quickly.  Obviously, this is different.  Since Monica passed, I have been experiencing that deep sadness.  Somehow I’ve been able to manage it though.  I’ve been able to justify that, since anyone would be sad in this situation, it’s ok to allow those emotions in.  It would be more troublesome if I didn’t allow myself to feel those emotions.  It isn’t always comfortable or “fun”, but I’ve decided it’s healthier to feel the sadness than to repress it.  That cerebral justification has allowed me to cope with the depth of the emotion.

Recently, though, I realized the recipe has changed.  A new ingredient has been added and it changes the flavor of the entire mix.  Recently I’ve felt loneliness.  I’ve experienced loneliness before in life, but it was never mixed with sadness; certainly not deep, genuine sadness.  It’s a potent mix. 

How are you supposed to not feel lonely when you still feel lonely around other people?

The rest of this week I’ve got a lot of plans, so I’ll be keeping myself busy.  That seems to help in the short term.  Beyond that I have to decide whether I want to continue slowing down, or keep my schedule packed tight.

Since I know everyone is wondering how Kai is doing, I would say he is doing better.  His temperament is evening out a bit.  He still talks about Mommy a lot and he says he misses her, but he doesn’t seem to be as emotional when he talks about her.  He has been asking me lately if I will go to the clouds with him so we can see Mommy in heaven.  It makes me smile and cry at the same time.


4 Responses to “Slowing Down”

  1. frankloaiza on 22 Jul 2009 at 6:10 am #

    Again Sol, thanks for your honesty. I think it is healthy to allow your emotions to come up. Remember, Jesus Wept. (John 11:35) and Jesus also got angry, but yet He did not sin. I will continue to pray for you my friend. Allow those emotions to flow, but always keep them in the proper perspective…. I know you will. Always feel free to call me Sol, if you need a break, we could watch Kai for you if you want some alone time.

    -Frank Loaiza

  2. kristymomof5 on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:31 am #

    Dear Sol,

    I am a friend of Beth Spencer and she is in my Life Group. I heard about you and Monica awhile back because I was asking for prayer for my brother-in-law, Toby because he has stage four cancer. I have been following your website since just after Monica passed but I have read all of the entries…a few times!! :o) You just dont know how much your speaking out helps me!!! I would not know how to help my twin sister through her husbands struggles and what you and Monica write is soooo eye opening and helpful.

    Please know that you are in my prayers and I come here EVERY day to see how you are doing and how I can pray.


    Kristene Enloe
    Redding, CA

  3. faith.gillis on 22 Jul 2009 at 1:03 pm #

    I don’t know what to say, except that you remain in my daily prayers. God bless you as you navigate this mysterious time in your life.

  4. chrysajohnwilliambaby on 25 Jul 2009 at 12:35 pm #

    I know slowing down hurts more, but it is ultimately healing. We think of you, keep you in our prayers, and look forward to seeing you when the time is right.

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