June 11th 2009 11:33 pm

It’s Been a Month

Today marks the end of the first month after Monica’s passing.  I can’t believe it.  Of all the things I could be feeling (and most of them I am feeling), the one that has stood out the most for me today is guilt.  I feel really bad that a whole month has already passed by.  It’s as if, 30 whole days is an eternity and I should never actually get there.  Instead, I ought to experience each day in longing waiting desperately to be reunited with her; each day itself an eternity of waiting.  How could I even think of moving on to another day.  How could I give up on her like that.  Don’t I even care.

…Yet a month has passed.  It’s passed quickly in fact.  What happened? 

Of course I care.  I realize that those feelings of guilt are in many ways unreasonable and irrational.  The problem is that, though they may be unreasonable and irrational, it doesn’t make them any less real. 

Many of you who I spoke with today about it being a month had different feelings and experiences.  We all loved her in different ways.  My final conclusion about today is positive in the sense that  whether the emotions today were of guilt, loss, grief, confusion, fear, heartache, relief, hope or anything else, they were all because we love her so much.

1 Comment »

One Response to “It’s Been a Month”

  1. kconley on 12 Jun 2009 at 4:44 am #

    Hey Sol,

    It is hard to believe it’s been a month already and I think a lot of the feelings you are having are natural as you try to adjust to life. I think I would be feeling a lot of the same way you feel, if I were in your position. I can’t say everything will be alright and that everything will get better, but I do believe it will. With time, you’ll stop hurting when you think about her. Focus on the good memories, the happy times you had together, the strengths that you shared. Take strength from any source you can, your faith, family and friends. It has been my experience that if you can make it through life’s trials, no matter how large or small they seem, you will always come out a stronger person in the end.

    If you ever need an escape from it all, even for a short time, you are always welcome to come in Pensacola. My home is always open to you and Kai.

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