May 21st 2009 10:14 pm

Today Was Different

Today was the first day that things started slowing down.  There is so much to say, I don’t even know where to start…

I had to go back to work full time on Monday this week.  I actually had to go in last week a few times, even while preparing for Monica’s memorial service and trying to be a host.  One of my bosses passed away last Wednesday; just two days after Monica.  I work for a small business headed by a husband and wife team.  Besides Monica, the person that I spent the most time with was my boss.  We worked closely together over the last five years.  I looked up to him and had a great respect for him.  He was a role model and a good friend.  However, since we worked together on the technical processes of the business, I needed to go back in right away to keep the “gears” going.  Everyone in the office has had to be strong and focus.  They are an amazing team.

Even though it’s hard to focus sometimes, keeping busy has its advantages; especially at home.  That’s why today was a different.  Monica’s parents went home today.  Everyone else is gone now too.  It was a “whirlwind” and grand central station for a while around here, but it kept me busy and not alone.  Today I felt the loneliness, though.  My mom is still here helping with Kai and I am grateful for that.  Still, the quieter it gets around here, the louder my thoughts are. 

Kai has been having a rough time.  His teachers said he was crying for his “dadoo” and “mommy” today.  He has asked for her or talked about her every day so far.  A few times he was doing well, and I slipped and called my mom “mom”.  He got very upset each time and said, “No!  Mama’s dead.  That’s nana.”  The other day he was asking for her and I told him again that she was in heaven.  He got very upset with me and said, “No!  you go to heaven.”  It is going to take some time…

I read something that made so much sense about the way grief feels.  C.S. Lewis says, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.  The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.  I keep on swallowing.
…There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me.  I find it hard to take in what anyone says…  I dread the moments when the house is empty.”

I couldn’t have said it any better, except that I am afriad.  Lewis was older and established when his wife passed.  I worry about raising Kai and where life’s going to lead.  I’ve never known this much uncertainty that was so immediately present in the forefront of my mind.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to try to keep things as consistent as possible.  I’m trying not to make too many big decisions any time soon.  I’ll stay here in Whittier and try to stay close to all our friends and support.  Kai is doing really well at his day care and actually enjoys going to “school” everyday.  I don’t know that we’ll be able to stay in our apartment since we were a two income family, but I don’t want to think about trying to move right now. 

Finally, for those that have been asking, Monica’s parents will have another memorial service for her up north in Paradise, CA.  We always liked being able to say we were married in “Paradise”.  I will be there too.  It will be at the Paradise Alliance church on Saturday, May 30 at 2pm.  I will post an address and more information later.  I know there are many of you up there that have prayed for Monica and loved us for a long time.  I look forward to being there with you.

Good night.


4 Responses to “Today Was Different”

  1. CherylGregSimoneMarcus on 21 May 2009 at 11:28 pm #

    Oh Sol… I know that this is going to be such a difficult road you and Kai to manage to navigate. I didn’t think you would have to navigate it either. These past years have been about supporting mostly Monica, but know we won’t stop praying for you and Kai and helping out if we are able. This is the beginning of the “new normal” or life without Monica and even though things look very foggy, at least we know God is in control… doesn’t feel like it but we know He is. We love you and will see you on the 30th…

    Cheryl & fam

  2. faith.gillis on 22 May 2009 at 8:09 am #

    I’m really glad you’re reading that book; it is so full of both the human and the divine.
    Someone who had lost their mother at a young age said, though it was so painful, God made himself very real to her in the darkest of times when there seems to be no comfort on earth. I know he will be with you in a tangible way when things are at their bleakest, and he will reach into the confusion of Kai’s little heart as well. You are both in good hands.

  3. christine terrazas on 22 May 2009 at 1:36 pm #

    one second, one minute, one day at a time.

  4. kazibon on 25 May 2009 at 8:34 pm #

    Sol, my name is Jessica, I went to church and school with Monica as a kid. I’ve been praying for all of you every day. I lost my little boy last year, Otto, at 8 days old. That line of CS Lewis’s really stuck with my husband and I too, as we tried to figure out how to keep going with life, the fear is such a big hole. The best way I could face it was to know that I just had to get through one day at a time, just one day. The best advice I’ve gotten is that no matter where I am, or who I’m with, if I need to fall apart and cry, I can do it, right then and there. That permission has been so helpful. Know that so many people pray for you that you have never met, that a net of love surrounds you, and through all the pain, there is love from others who silently stand by you. Your names are on my prayer altar at home, and will be for a long time. Your courage is in your smile for your boy and in your brokenness too. i wish you endless patience for yourself. Jessica and Ryan

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