July 28th 2008 11:29 pm

Can’t Sleep…

Well, like many other nights I wait for sleep to come – only this night seems more sleepless than others.  I cry out to God for healing, and for help in this trial.  I am scared, tired, afraid and overwhelmed.  I don’t know what else to do, but pray!  How come prayer is so often the last thing we come to?  Is it because after praying there is peace that comes and we stop searching?  Or is it because we are fix-it people?  We try everything in our power to do it ourselves, just like a two-year old, and when we realize it’s too much for us we finally ask for help!  Why are we like that?  I look at Kai trying to accomplish some “great feat” beyond what he can do, knowing that he’s going to need my help, and just wait patiently for him to ask.  How much more is God just waiting for us to ask?  We are His children, and He wants to help us.  He wants to hold us like a little baby, taking care of our every need.  I am crying out to Him for his help.  I want healing, and strength for this journey.

Tonight before I logged on to post, I read a devotional from a book my mother-in-law gave me called “More Joy for the Journey.”  It was on God as our Provider.  The verses that went with the devotional really touched my core tonight, and I just want to share them with you.  May they touch your life as well.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

“He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.”  Isaiah 40:29

“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.”  Isaiah 53:4

“We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  Hebrews 4:15-17

I know that God is bigger than this cancer and that He can heal me!  I wake up each morning starting new.  Each day is a gift.  No one knows what will happen or when, all we have is today with hope for tomorrow.  “This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

I want to end with some specific prayer requests:

1. I go in tomorrow (I guess technically speaking that’s today) to get the port checked.  Please pray that they tell me it is ready to use!

2. Wednesday they’ll be drawing blood.  Please pray that the White Blood Cell Count is normal and that I won’t have to have any shots to boost them or that I won’t have to delay my next treatment because they are low.

3.  Thursday is Chemo.  Please pray that my anxiety will be calmed and that the side-effects would not be as bad as they were this time. 

4. Please pray against any depression of any kind.  This battle is long and I can feel it starting to take it’s toll.

5. Pray for Sol, my wonderful husband, terriffic father, friend, and greatest blessing.  He’s been so strong, but I know that he’s hurting.  He wants to fix it, but can’t.

I want to thank everyone of you who are lifting me up and praying for me.  Keep storming heaven for us! 

Much love,

Sleepless in the Suburbs – Monica 


4 Responses to “Can’t Sleep…”

  1. wendideetz on 29 Jul 2008 at 7:42 am #

    I love you and Sol and Kai – and the Deetz family is definitely sending our prayers and love. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wish you peace and healing.

  2. CherylGregSimoneMarcus on 29 Jul 2008 at 10:32 am #

    As always, praying for you guys…

  3. faith.gillis on 29 Jul 2008 at 11:50 am #

    Oh, Monica- I’m so sorry you are feeling that horrible anxiety and fear. It can be so paralyzing. And Sol too, God bless him. I remember one night in the midst of that fear with what was left of my weak, battered little will crying out “I CHOOSE you, Jesus. I choose love over fear, I choose joy over despair, I choose mercy over bitterness…” I would go through and label each negative emotion and choose the opposite. It became my battle cry and helped me to rally my spirits when I felt like I was sinking. I felt like the angels were surrounding me, cheering me on…

    You are surrounded by prayers.

  4. sheribaker on 29 Jul 2008 at 4:42 pm #

    Wow. This was such a different type of post from what you’ve been doing. It’s been all updates and this one was from the heart. I can empathize (to a small extent) with Sol… I wish that we could just make it all better. It must be so hard for you both to have that tension that comes with loving someone so much and yet not being able to fix what needs to be fixed. I have said it before, but I’ll say it again. You two (and little Kai) are so amazing. So many people would have cracked under all of this – not to say that you haven’t had tremendous ups and downs, but God really does know what we can handle. Doesn’t it kind of make you wish you weren’t so strong! 😉 Every time I talk to you or get down there to see you guys, people ask me how you’re doing and I am always amazed that I have to say, “she’s doing really well.” You are always so optimistic and faithful… I know you can make it through this. We are always praying for you and think of you often.

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