Archive for the 'Journal' Category

July 6th 2009

Birthday and Anniversary

Kai is back from his mini-vacation, Monica’s birthday was Friday (July 3rd) and our 8 year anniversary is tomorrow (July 7th).   Quite an eventful several days.  Many people have sent their support and prayers for me and Kai as we face these important “firsts”; her first birthday since passing, and our first anniversary.  I really appreciate it.  I think it must really help because, in anticipation for these days, I end up getting through them fairly well.  I had my “moments” on Monica’s birthday, and I think our anniversary might be a bit harder, but for the most part I’ve been getting through it ok.  Actually, last week on Monday was an ordinary Monday –  nothing special with no significance, but it was the hardest day I’ve had so far.  I think it was a matter of me letting my guard down a bit. 

It’s been almost two months, and I think the haze is starting to lift a little.  Instead of constantly being numb or guarded, I’m starting to allow myself to experience and even enjoy life again; both the ups and the downs.  It seems my highs are higher and my lows are lower now than they have been in the last 2 months.  Overall, I think that is progress.  It can make it harder sometimes, but it’s a better place to be.

For what it’s worth, the one thing that has really helped me get through this time is that I celebrate the fact that we had the most amazing 8 years of marriage that I could ever have hoped for.  We lived several life times in that short period.  It took me 3 days to go through and choose the pictures for her memorial video, and during that time I got to relive all the good times and memories we had.  I’m greatful for that time and those memories.  In some ways, I feel like I’m one of the most blessed guys in the world because I had something that many other guys only dream of: a wonderful, smooth, happy, stable, fun, and blessed marriage.  What more could I ask for in life?

By the way, here are some pictures of Kai and his first fish.  He is so cute!  Kai Love's Fishing! Kai's First Fish!!!

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April 2nd 2008

Hasty Confusion Cleared Up…hopefully!

Wow, I just read what I posted yesterday and in my haste, I think it was a bit incomprehensible!  🙂  So here is the low-down so to speak.

The specialist was not as helpful as I’d hoped he’d be.  Most of what he said, we already knew.  There just isn’t enough known about angiosarcoma or sarcomas in general for that matter.  He didn’t really give any firm answers which was quite frustrating.  Fr example, in response to a question about more chemo, he actually said, “It’s not necessarily necessary.”  About radiation, he said, “It’s a reasonable option.”  I guess there really aren’t any firm answers to treatment questions; they really don’t know what works best for now.  As far as we know the best treatment is surgery, and I’ve already done that!  He did mention that the places to watch for recurrence are the original site of the tumor and the lungs.  He also called one of his former angiosarcoma patients (a success story) and gave her my number.  She called last night while I was at Bible Study, but I’m going to call her back later.

So here’s what I got out of the appointment.   I will be starting radiation every weekday for 6 weeks or so, I’ll have CT scans every 3 months for 2 years and it doesn’t look like I’ll have anymore chemo for now.  🙂    My scans are clear, so right now, I am CANCER FREE!!!  Yipee!!!

How I feel…hmmm…that’s tough to really figure out.  I am full of worry, dread, fear, joy, faith, and hope.  I know that there is still a great deal of worry in my mind because of the high rate of recurrence.  I dread that nasty tasting CT scan serum, but will drink it every three months for continual monitoring.  I’m overjoyed about the cancer being gone.  However, tears come all the time because I’m still so scared!  Overall, though, I’m doing well.  Right now, I’m a survivor and that’s something to celebrate.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.  I know God is using you to lift me up and keep me going.  You’ll never know how much you have touched me.  This blog has been so therapeutic for me, and knowing that you read it and lift me and my family up in prayer truly inspires me to keep writing.

As I sit here, I am reminded that someone once told me, “Our tears are silent prayers, and not one goes unnoticed.”  Thank you for the many silent prayers that have fallen off your face for me.  The Lord has seen them all!

Much Love,

Monica

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