January 2nd 2011
It’s been quite some time since I last posted here. Of course, the earth continues to revolve around the sun and the days still come and go. …and I still struggle with posting because I don’t want to be the downer in anyone’s day. Being a new year, however, it seems like a reasonable time to reflect.
Kai is growing like crazy. Though in many ways I wish he would stay a baby (as any mother might), it’s actually been a lot better for the both of us to have him grow. It turns out that it is much easier to handle a 4 year old than a 3 year old. He is very smart and is willing to reason much of the time. He understands the difference between right and wrong. His independent nature, which he gets from Mommy, helps him to be entertained on his own and also to not feel lonely. The year had ups and downs, but we got to share many adventures. His birthday party was a big hit. Thanks to all who participated. We also had the good fortune to go on our first camping trip and to jump around in the ocean. We spent some time “on vacation” at Lake Havasu, played the new Kinect video games together, and even started some new traditions like Taco Tuesday. There are so many wonderful memories over the last year that I will always treasure. The one thing that stands out to me as the most noteable happened just a few weeks ago, though. Kai caught me visibly upset (read sad) and asked me what was wrong. I’m not sure that he had ever “caught” me like that before. Anyways, I told him that I am still very sad and asked him if he still gets sad. He said he “doesn’t get sad anymore”. He said that he knows Mommy is in heaven and that she is an angel and that she is always with him. It was one of the happiest and saddest moments of the year for me. In one sense, it was a very sensitive moment and full of sorrow, but on the other hand, as a dad, it pleases me to hear that he is healing and learning to deal with his reality. He still asks about Mommy regularly, but he doesn’t ask about where she is or whether she’s coming back. He wants to know what she was like and what she would think about things.
So, Kai is beginning to move forward and is growing emotionally as well as physically. I, lamentably, have not been so fortunate.
I guess for the last year and a half, I have been desparately running from the hurt and loneliness to distractions rather than healing. I finally had to realize the hard way that it was an unsustainable way for me to live. The sadness kept catching up to me even with my best efforts to distract myself. Now I’m on a mission to heal. I’m desparate for it. Even though it means I will have to face the hurt and loneliness, I believe that it is necessary for me to even begin healing. I can’t believe I still have to begin healing. It seems that until I make some progress in this area, I won’t be able to really enjoy or appreciate life. Things I used to love and need currently are lackluster or even painful. Places I cherished, people I loved, and things like music, which I used to need like food, no longer provide joy. Hope has been replaced by confusion. God has been silent. Goals and dreams have become like legends; not knowing if they ever really existed or not. I want to be able to live and love again; healthy and stronger. I believe I can do it. I must try…
I guess it comes across so melodramatic and maybe even cheesy… What can I say? It’s the way I feel at this particular moment. I may be reaching out to some of you this year. I pray it’s in an attempt to heal and not hide. Keep me accountable (but gently please). I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. I just know that I am at least conscious of the need, and have the emotional desperation leverage to truly seek it.
Here’s to a better 2011.