SolandMonica.com

July is another “difficult” time of the year.  The 3rd is Monica’s birthday, and today is our anniversary.  It would have been 9 years today.

I thought it would be nice to start a tradition of spending the 4th of July with Monica’s family from now on and also celebrate her birthday, so last weekend I went up to Paradise, CA which is up north by Chico.  We’ll see how that develops (’cause traffic on the 4th of July weekend is worse than I expected and it’s already an incredibly long drive…).

I still think the idea was a good one, but the reality didn’t quite turn out how I thought it might.  I ended up feeling really conflicted about taking Kai to the cemetery, since in his mind, Mommy is in heaven.  Would it be too much for him to process?  I decided to just tell him that it was a special place for us to remember Mommy.

…the problem was that I chickened out.    I just couldn’t do it.  Even now as I write this that huge lump in my throat grows to a point that it seems it might burst.  I hope over time I can gather the courage to go there.  In the mean time, I just felt like I had to confess…

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After Monica passed, I looked for something she may have written during her struggle.  Maybe a note for Kai to give to him when he got older; maybe a note for me…  

One day I frantically searched for hours and even went through her purse to find this letter or note that didn’t exist.  I was crushed to not find anything, but I rationalized that it was due to her decisive outlook that she was going to keep fighting until she won the battle that she might have felt she didn’t need to “leave any thoughts or words” for us.

Last night I was organizing my closet in the new house and I came upon Monica’s purse.  It is mostly intact the way she left it, but I had gone through it already to get a few things like the check book.  For some reason, I decided to open a small side pocket and in it was nothing but a receipt.  Quintessential Monica; she always saved her receipts for a while “just in case”.  Normally I would have just tossed it, but for some reason I decided to open it to see what she bought.  Suddenly I realized there was writing on the back.  I didn’t recognize the writing as hers at first because it was a bit messy and hurried, but it was definitely hers.  She must have been in a hurry or standing up writing it or something…

The date on the receipt is 04/21/2009.  That is exactly 20 days before she passed.  I don’t know if she was starting to realize she was getting weaker or if she just had a moment of sadness, but what she wrote on the back of that receipt in a hurried (or upset) state was a list of events that she might miss in the future for Kai.  Here is the list in the order that she wrote it:

• Potty training
• Tying shoes
• Kindergarten first day
• Kinder graduation
• Best friend
• First crush
• First time in trouble @ school
• First girlfriend
• Serious girlfriend
• Wedding
• Engagement
• First kid
• High school graduation
• First big fight with Dadoo
• License
• First 100% on important test
• First big win in sports/hobby
• First defeat
• First job interview
• First apartment
• College
• Jesus in heart

Last night was the first really big emotional break down I’ve had in a while of trying to be strong.  This morning has been equally difficult.  It’s too bad the “note” she left behind is such a sad one…

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A friend of mine texted me today to ask how things have been and it occurred to me that I’m a bit like the economy. I guess I’ve crashed, and every time it looks like there’s an upswing, I crash again even harder…

I hadn’t even realized it until I got the text, but today makes it 8 months since Monica passed.

It is not getting easier.

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I’m currently still living the vagabond experience and writing this from Chicago so I haven’t made a lot of extra time to write new posts, but I have a ton of pictures and good stories so I’ll make some updates next week when I’m back in Whittier.

This weekend I wanted to take a moment and reflect a little though.  October 2 was the two year mark of Monica’s original diagnosis of breast cancer.  I remember it like yesterday.  She was so brave from that very first day.  I think I was so scared that I was in denial.  I didn’t want to make too big a deal out of it because I didn’t want to scare her any more while she was being brave.  Besides we figured breast cancer was beatable; especially at her age.  We never thought for a moment that the news could get worse than it already was.  Unfortunately, her diagnosis was wrong.  Five months later, we found out after her bilateral mastectomy that what she really had was angiosarcoma.

Well, it’s been two years since my heart first fell into the pit of my stomach.  It seems to live there now.  Days like Oct 2 are sad days.  I don’t mean to finally get around to posting something and have it be negative, but that’s the reailty of it.  Hopefully, getting it off my chest like this will help in the healing process.

I’ll update about how Kai is doing and some of my adventures next week. 

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I’m not sure what it was the other day, but I guess I just woke up with the blues.  I’ve been feeling much better since yesterday.  Thank you to those of you who sent words of encouragement and prayer. 

I thought Kai had been doing much better lately as I’ve noted before, but the last two days has been a struggle for him.  He keeps saying that he thinks I am going to die, and he’s been pretty upset.  Poor kid… He had been doing so well, that I forgot that he’s also still working through the grief and the emotions and fears that come from it.  Please keep him in your prayers as well.

I wish everyone a fun filled, safe holiday weekend.

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Not sure why exactly (I think it’s a mix of a things), but I have a lump in my throat and an empty/sick feeling to my stomach today…

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Yesterday was three months.  I didn’t plan on writing anything because I shy away from “bumming people out” with a sad post.  A lot of my posts recently have been cute little episodes and exchanges between Kai and I.  However, many people the last two days have been asking how I’m really doing, so I guess I should come clean.

It’s getting harder.  Things have slowed down, the fog has lifted, and the loneliness factor is unavoidable.  For the first time in my life I can say that I am genuinely sad; even depressed.  I don’t have any clear remedy.  Work has been extremely stressful and Kai is 3 years old; enough said there.

Pray for a light at the end of the tunnel…

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Today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t have something specific planned or something unfinished that couldn’t wait.  I left Kai’s sippy cups unwashed.  They can wait ’til the morning.  I’m even writing this post at a decent hour.  It was nice, in a way, to have a free moment.  As things start to slow down and life starts to seek its equilibrium, I wonder what’s next. 

Most of my life has been blessed to a point where I never really felt penetrating, genuine sadness.  Sure I had a few low moments in life, but never anything that didn’t pass quickly.  Obviously, this is different.  Since Monica passed, I have been experiencing that deep sadness.  Somehow I’ve been able to manage it though.  I’ve been able to justify that, since anyone would be sad in this situation, it’s ok to allow those emotions in.  It would be more troublesome if I didn’t allow myself to feel those emotions.  It isn’t always comfortable or “fun”, but I’ve decided it’s healthier to feel the sadness than to repress it.  That cerebral justification has allowed me to cope with the depth of the emotion.

Recently, though, I realized the recipe has changed.  A new ingredient has been added and it changes the flavor of the entire mix.  Recently I’ve felt loneliness.  I’ve experienced loneliness before in life, but it was never mixed with sadness; certainly not deep, genuine sadness.  It’s a potent mix. 

How are you supposed to not feel lonely when you still feel lonely around other people?

The rest of this week I’ve got a lot of plans, so I’ll be keeping myself busy.  That seems to help in the short term.  Beyond that I have to decide whether I want to continue slowing down, or keep my schedule packed tight.

Since I know everyone is wondering how Kai is doing, I would say he is doing better.  His temperament is evening out a bit.  He still talks about Mommy a lot and he says he misses her, but he doesn’t seem to be as emotional when he talks about her.  He has been asking me lately if I will go to the clouds with him so we can see Mommy in heaven.  It makes me smile and cry at the same time.

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Kai is back from his mini-vacation, Monica’s birthday was Friday (July 3rd) and our 8 year anniversary is tomorrow (July 7th).   Quite an eventful several days.  Many people have sent their support and prayers for me and Kai as we face these important “firsts”; her first birthday since passing, and our first anniversary.  I really appreciate it.  I think it must really help because, in anticipation for these days, I end up getting through them fairly well.  I had my “moments” on Monica’s birthday, and I think our anniversary might be a bit harder, but for the most part I’ve been getting through it ok.  Actually, last week on Monday was an ordinary Monday -  nothing special with no significance, but it was the hardest day I’ve had so far.  I think it was a matter of me letting my guard down a bit. 

It’s been almost two months, and I think the haze is starting to lift a little.  Instead of constantly being numb or guarded, I’m starting to allow myself to experience and even enjoy life again; both the ups and the downs.  It seems my highs are higher and my lows are lower now than they have been in the last 2 months.  Overall, I think that is progress.  It can make it harder sometimes, but it’s a better place to be.

For what it’s worth, the one thing that has really helped me get through this time is that I celebrate the fact that we had the most amazing 8 years of marriage that I could ever have hoped for.  We lived several life times in that short period.  It took me 3 days to go through and choose the pictures for her memorial video, and during that time I got to relive all the good times and memories we had.  I’m greatful for that time and those memories.  In some ways, I feel like I’m one of the most blessed guys in the world because I had something that many other guys only dream of: a wonderful, smooth, happy, stable, fun, and blessed marriage.  What more could I ask for in life?

By the way, here are some pictures of Kai and his first fish.  He is so cute! 

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Wow, I just read what I posted yesterday and in my haste, I think it was a bit incomprehensible!    So here is the low-down so to speak.

The specialist was not as helpful as I’d hoped he’d be.  Most of what he said, we already knew.  There just isn’t enough known about angiosarcoma or sarcomas in general for that matter.  He didn’t really give any firm answers which was quite frustrating.  Fr example, in response to a question about more chemo, he actually said, “It’s not necessarily necessary.”  About radiation, he said, “It’s a reasonable option.”  I guess there really aren’t any firm answers to treatment questions; they really don’t know what works best for now.  As far as we know the best treatment is surgery, and I’ve already done that!  He did mention that the places to watch for recurrence are the original site of the tumor and the lungs.  He also called one of his former angiosarcoma patients (a success story) and gave her my number.  She called last night while I was at Bible Study, but I’m going to call her back later.

So here’s what I got out of the appointment.   I will be starting radiation every weekday for 6 weeks or so, I’ll have CT scans every 3 months for 2 years and it doesn’t look like I’ll have anymore chemo for now.     My scans are clear, so right now, I am CANCER FREE!!!  Yipee!!!

How I feel…hmmm…that’s tough to really figure out.  I am full of worry, dread, fear, joy, faith, and hope.  I know that there is still a great deal of worry in my mind because of the high rate of recurrence.  I dread that nasty tasting CT scan serum, but will drink it every three months for continual monitoring.  I’m overjoyed about the cancer being gone.  However, tears come all the time because I’m still so scared!  Overall, though, I’m doing well.  Right now, I’m a survivor and that’s something to celebrate.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.  I know God is using you to lift me up and keep me going.  You’ll never know how much you have touched me.  This blog has been so therapeutic for me, and knowing that you read it and lift me and my family up in prayer truly inspires me to keep writing.

As I sit here, I am reminded that someone once told me, “Our tears are silent prayers, and not one goes unnoticed.”  Thank you for the many silent prayers that have fallen off your face for me.  The Lord has seen them all!

Much Love,

Monica

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